To the women who stole VBAC
You know who you are. You’re sitting in your ivory tower laughing and high-fiving one another. You’re saying JOB WELL DONE! You think you saved a bunch of women from themselves and each other, but your greatest achievement to date is actually showcasing your cult like hysteria on the world stage.
You must seriously be unhinged to think that taking over a large, happy group and dismantling it in this way is an acceptable thing to do. Unhinged, and deluded. Who died and made you the crusaders for the world?
Those 12k women didn’t want you to save them. They wanted to be amongst friends to talk about their pregnancies and births, the good, the bad, and the varicose veins. They had that right, and you did NOT have the right to interrupt them in this narcissistic, grandstanding way.
Imagine that you welcomed a new baby tomorrow, and you posted on facebook about it. You’d get a huge number of congratulations, women saying how divine your new baby was, women asking you how you were doing. Now imagine that someone else took it upon themselves to delete that, or to deny your access to it.
All those memories would be gone, inaccessible forever, and that person who did it was giggling and rubbing their hands together with glee. Then imagine they tell everyone that they did it for your own good and that one day you’d thank them. Gas lighting much?
You may think that this is a giant win for your posse, but actually it is a really convincing nail in your coffin. People everywhere, even many who supported your cause, are utterly disgusted and disillusioned by this. They don’t think you’re brave, they don’t think you saved anyone, they don’t think you had any INTENTION of saving anyone. They know exactly what you are though. You’re all thoughtless, gutless cowards. That’s what cyber-bullying is. It’s gutless and cowardly. You can hide behind your keyboard avidly typing away, never having to face up to the victims, but remember your own important memories on the internet and how easily they could vanish?
You deleted their birth stories, you deleted their memories, and you didn’t save anyone, least of all yourselves. The good women of VBAC will re-group, stronger and louder than before. Those who were on the fence about you will not be on the fence anymore. They’ll be making cups of tea for the victims, before your victory dance is finished.
You have won no victory here, you have won nothing, because guess what? There is no war! There is just women who want talk to other women, and women who want to control other women. Women who respect the autonomy of other women, and women who think that they know better than everyone else. It’s sad to think how many of you fall into the latter group, but after this, there will surely be fewer of you.
There’s a saying about people who live in glass houses. I’m sure you’re familiar with it. The reason you think you’re so safe is because you’re surrounding yourselves with people who pat your backs. You never step outside and smell the coffee because group mentality means you never challenge yourselves, you only challenge other people. The only people who think you’re a beacon of light in all this are your buddies.
Take five minutes to think about this and imagine how you will feel when your own group is taken down because this sort of behaviour will see it become reality. Will other women infiltrate your group and do it? No, I doubt that. Most women have better things to do than stalk and harass you – good huh? – but facebook will start to add up all the complaints of harassment sooner or later, and your group will go up in a puff of smoke. How many women do you think are reporting you at the moment? How many screenshots of your strangeness are being sent to facebook at the moment? I’m prepared to bet it’s more than a couple.
Will we dance on its grave? No! Because a lot of women love the group and seek support there, and they are entitled to do that! Different women seek support in different places, and everyone seems to have a good understanding of that, except you in the Ivory Tower of VBAC ….. or RCS.
It’s ok to disagree with stuff, it’s ok to share information that you believe will help women. It’s important to do that. What’s NOT ok is to stalk, harass, blog about, vilify, and bully loss mothers, or anyone else for that matter. No matter what pretty colours you paint it, it’s just bullying, and one of these days a woman will take her own life as a result. You stole VBAC this time, what will it be next time? Sit with that for a while. Is this pack mentality, this headless chicken act, REALLY worth it all? Is having friends who pat your back when you do things that you KNOW in your heart of hearts is wrong, really worth that?
Oh how many names I could list here, how many screenshots I could provide to shame you …. And yet in doing so I would join the ranks of the bullies. Instead of lowering myself to that gutter scum level, I’m going to reach out to the women whose network you stole VBAC from.
To the women who love VBAC. You are not alone. You will regroup. You will find your feet, and your voices, and you will be bigger and better and stronger than ever before. Your network may be scattered, but it isn’t gone, I know this because you are working, driven by kindness, not a deranged craving for control and power, flying under the false banner of bravery and care. You are the ones who will rise from these flames.
Years ago my house burnt down. I lost many beloved possessions, my whole family did. But the house was rebuilt, newer, and prettier (dark green carpet and sky blue walls actually benefited from the fire ….). Now it’s nearly thirty years since then, and despite the possessions, the only real thing that left the house in that fire was the ghost that had been haunting it for decades. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? I’ll leave that up to you to decide.
You stole VBAC, but you wait, it will be back, and you will fade angrily, hopelessly, into insignificance.
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