About The Things All Men Hate…

How do I know what men hate about me? How will I ever find a husband with such confusing advice out there?

About The Things All Men Hate…

Have you ever noticed how many articles there are floating about that tell women what men hate about them? Articles that talk about the things ALL MEN HATE. There are literally millions of them. If you take a read through a few you’ll probably notice a few things.

  1. Gross generalisations
  2. Contradictions are rife
  3. Huge numbers of the things “all men hate” are things men invented!

So let’s take a peek at some of the more absurd ones and see how well they hold up in the face of deconstruction.

One article told me that ALL MEN HATE BIG FLOPPY HATS.

All men. Every single man on the planet hates a wide brimmed hat. Does that include the male fashion designers who design oversized hats and sell them for oversized prices? The article claimed that ALL MEN hate this style of hat because they remind them of “your grandmother”, but my grandmother wore tiny little brimmed hats, and I very much doubt she is the only grandmother in history who didn’t own a floppy hat.

One article told me that ALL MEN HATE WHEN YOU TEXT AND EAT

Well that’s interesting isn’t it! No man, since the mobile phone became the cornerstone of modern communication, has ever sent a text over dinner …. but if he has, he wants the woman sitting opposite him at the table to stare lovingly at him while he does. It could be rude to spend dinner texting, but women are probably smart enough to follow appropriate social cues without an article telling us about them.

One article told me that ALL MEN HATE OVERSIZED SUNGLASSES

All of them again? Even the ones who make millions from designing them? Apparently wearing oversized sunglasses is deceitful. They might hide the fact you have a hangover, and men are entitled to know if you’re hungover. They can also hide the fact that you’re having a “bad face day”. A what?! No, you didn’t read that wrong. Apparently a “bad face day” is actually a thing women might try to hide, thus tricking  unsuspecting men into a quickie wedding in Vegas …… or something.

One article told me that ALL MEN HATE FAKE LIPS

A quick google of the plastic surgeons in this country (Australia) showed me that an enormous percentage of them are men, and they offer “lip filler” in the form of unpleasant looking injections. So men are happy to make money from plumping up our lips, but keep those things away from men! I’m starting to get a bit confused about these things. Men also own the cosmetics companies who sell lip plumping lipstick, and men are the ones who generally invent them as well. You can see why I might be confused about this!

One article told me that ALL MEN HATE A LACK OF INDIVIDUALITY

Have you ever walked into a Starbucks and seen 15 of the same girl? That is because a lot of girls lack individuality.”

No actually, that’s never happened to me. Perhaps I’m just not shallow or vacuous enough. 

Pink, orange, and white straw hat
All Men Hate floppy hats
License: Creative Commons CC0.

Literal interpretations aside, maybe it has something to do with the fact that fashion is ridiculous, and has done away with a lot of the individual styles that women might have. If we weren’t told exactly what hemline was in, what cut of boot, what colour hair, what style of handbag, and so on and so forth we’d see more individuality. The problem there is that in order for the multi billion dollar fashion industry to make money, we need to do away with what was fashionable last season or women will keep wearing it instead of buying their new uniform …. I mean new season’s wardrobe.

One article told me that ALL MEN HATE IT WHEN WOMEN (girls actually) FART

Another article told me that ALL MEN HATE IT WHEN WOMEN (nay, girls) ARE SHY ABOUT FARTING. 

Well this IS a doozy isn’t it! I don’t know whether I can fart  now or not. All I know is that before I can work it out I’ll probably experience crippling gas pains. How do ALL MEN feel about those?

One article told me that ALL MEN HATE IT WHEN WOMEN OBSESS OVER THEIR APPEARANCE.

Another one told me ALL MEN HATE IT WHEN GIRLS DON’T CARE HOW THEY LOOK 

My question is this. How do I find the balance between the two? Is it even possible? 

One article told me ALL MEN HATE IT WHEN WOMEN ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR SOMEONE.

What does that even mean!? Oops! I got that all mixed up. What men actually hate, according to the article is when women WAIT FOR SOMEONE INSTEAD OF LOOKING FOR THEM. Whatever *eye roll*. It still doesn’t actually mean anything. I think the solution to avoiding this one is to put a paper bag over your head ….. but that might be misconstrued as deceptive, and we all know that might lead a poor, hapless  man down the aisle in Vegas!

One article reliably informed me that ALL MEN HATE IT WHEN WOMEN (girls again) CRY.

It then went into detail, providing a quote from a man who said that he genuinely believes that women use tears as a weapon. So just to be clear about that, if he says something that makes you cry, the best way to get him back (because tit for tat is a great relationship strategy) is to sob. 

One article told me that ALL MEN HATE WOMEN WHO ARE TOO INDEPENDENT

Apparently they like to feel needed.

Another article told me that ALL MEN HATE IT WHEN WOMEN ARE NEEDY.

Apparently they don’t like to feel needed.

One article told me that ALL MEN HATE IT WHEN YOU’RE JEALOUS

Another one told me that ALL MEN LOVE IT WHEN YOU GET A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS

Heck, I’m just all confuzzled now. Which one should I believe!?!?! Is there some middle ground here? Probably not.

There are whole articles devoted to FASHION SINS and FASHION FAUX PAS THAT YOU WILL NEVER RECOVER FROM. That’s right, you will NEVER RECOVER. These include (but are in no way limited to) :

  1. Hair accessories that make you look like a sea creature. (are those things back in fashion?)
  2. Fashion irony such as not having a bottom and wearing sweatpants that say “juicy” 
  3. Wearing one designer from head to foot (oh the humanity!)
  4. Pretending to be something you’re not. Just to clarify what that means:

“Figuring out what you want to say with your clothes comes via a process of experimentation and boundary pushing.  But, your clothes should always feel like an amplified version of you, even if you’re going for something different.”

Got that? No, me either. But don’t worry, if those ones don’t make any sense whatsoever, or they seem stupid or irrelevant (can you afford that much designer clothing!?!) I’m sure there are forty billion other articles written by the fashion police just to help a poor, simple woman just like you.

How will I ever get a man if all the advice I can read on getting one is so patently absurd? Perhaps I’ll have to do something revolutionary like LIVING, and hoping I can meet a decent man who likes me just because I’m me and we have fun together. 

FOR FURTHER READING

Virginity – It’s Not Actually A Thing

Newsflash! Men Aren’t Useless

By All means Love Yourself, Nothing Will Change Though

There Is Actually Nothing Powerful About Sexy

Lock Up The Nipples! At Least For Now

Sex Positive Feminism Can BITE Me

Women in sun glasses with mango on her teeth like a smile
All Men Hate Mango Smiles – probably!?
License: Creative Commons CC0.

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