Are you doing Feminism wrong? If you’re going to do feminism, you have to do it right. There’s only one way to do feminism, so you’re going to have to learn a few important rules before you embarrass yourself.
DO hate ALL MEN: This includes kindly elderly relatives, infant sons, and of course, complete strangers as well. If they’re male you hate them, you must hate them, actively, if you want people to think you are a good feminist.
DON’T ever laugh: Never ever. Feminists are humourless and must maintain a severe exterior at all times. No joke, no matter how wry is ever worth laughing at if you want to be taken seriously as a feminist.
DO be angry ALL THE TIME: Feminists are just angry women, so if you want to be viewed as a hardcore feminist you should be really really angry as often as humanly possible. Try smashing things for effect, and swearing at people randomly. Get an extremely savage dog, and a gun license.
DON’T be heterosexual, or bi: All feminists are lesbians. There’s no mistaking this one, there’s absolutely no room for error. Your sexuality is paramount to any political viewpoint you may hold, so make it count on this one!
DO talk loudly (and aggressively of course) about important feminist issues like armpit hair, leg hair, nail polish, and lipstick. Be sure that everyone knows what a serious subject feminism is, and how it’s mostly about policing other women’s bodies and appearances.
DON’T have children: There is no way on earth you can combine feminism with motherhood. It’s impossible. Furthermore you might give birth to male children and that would be even more complicated, because you can’t associate with men. Which should in theory prevent pregnancy, but clearly it doesn’t work all that well because there’s a large proportion of women masquerading as feminists, all with children!
DO tell everyone who will listen: in fact you should force people to listen in public areas; and host dinner parties to lecture people – that the goal of feminism, is to completely subjugate men. It is to deny men their basic human rights, to ensure that no man has any decent standard of living, nor access to the law, and feminism will not rest until this work is done! Of course hosting dinner parties is problematic for a feminist …. so maybe host a violent rally outside parliament house instead. Hey, if you’re really lucky it might even turn into a riot!
DON’T cook: Never, ever set foot in a kitchen, within 100 meters of an oven, stove, or microwave. Eat takeaway, eat raw food, hire a live in chef, but don’t be caught dead in the kitchen.
DO burn your bra: And don’t stop there! Burn the bras of the women nearest and dearest to you. Burn the bras of all the women in your street, or apartment building. Have you ever wondered why Victoria’s Secret shows have such high security? It’s not coz of all the creepy men out there, oh no, it’s because they’re terrified feminists will crash the joint and burn all the bras.
DON’T believe everything you hear about feminism: Especially don’t believe anything you just read. Feminism isn’t about any of the things above. It’s about giving women control of their lives, free from social pressure and expectation. It’s about changing the views society has of women’s roles in the world. It’s about giving women the same rights that men have, not taking rights from men, just levelling the playing field.
DO think critically about your beliefs surrounding women and men: Examine the views you hold and how you came to form them. Let go those that don’t serve you, your friends, your family, your community, and your planet. Learn to think for yourself by deconstructing everything you come across, from advertising and movies, to job offers and health care. Find your own way forward, knowing that you only have the option to do that because a feminist fought for your right to do so at some stage in history.
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