Virginity – It’s Not Actually A Thing

Virginity - IT'S NOT A THING!

Virginity – It’s Not Actually A Thing

Virginity: An intangible concept. Something we all supposedly possess at the time of our birth. Something which denotes value in certain circles, either by its presence, or the lack thereof.

For thousands of years women have been forced to zealously guard their virginity. Many of our lives have depended on it, and yet it isn’t an actual thing. It’s an idea, a social construct, nothing more. Surely in the year 2016 we are ready to leave behind this imaginary idea, and move into something more in tune with reality. Something that values women as human beings, not ones who either have or haven’t had sex with a man.

Realistically, and historically, there are so many problems with the notion of virginity that we need to acknowledge, it’s going to take us a long time to unpack them all. But we have to start somewhere right? Here’s a few fresh ideas about the theory of virginity

  1. You do not ‘owe’ your virginity to anyone.
  2. You do not ‘give’ your virginity away as a gift.
  3. You do not ‘lose’ your virginity.
  4. Your value is not determined by whether or not you are a virgin.
  5. You are not obliged to remain a virgin, unless you want to
  6. You may decide when and where to use your virginity for yourself. Yes, to use it for yourself, because if virginity exists, then it belongs solely to the woman in question.
  7. Virginity is not a thing. No matter whether you have sex or you don’t have sex, your value as a human is not altered in any way, shape, or form.

Virginity is such a curious social construct that it means different things in different cultures. In some communities virginity is to be zealously guarded, and without it a woman lacks honour and dignity and betrays her family name. In others, having virginity makes a girl feel infantile, because having sex is the ultimate act of rebellion, and pseudo maturity when you are a teenager. Alternatively it might be viewed as empowering to freely “give away” virginity. However, these apparently opposing ideas around virginity, often leave girls feeling guilty and shameful, because it has been built up to be something so deeply life altering, when all it really is, is a penis in a vagina.

So many girls and women have regrets about the way they first had sex, and it’s not because they did something wrong, it’s because the concept of virginity was instilled in them, like some sacred emblem. It was instilled in their families and in our whole society. It might look different in different cultures but the result is the same.

Girls may think that sex is a life altering activity. Like after their virginity is gone their lives will be changed forever, they will somehow be assigned an invisible value that will be written on them forever and ever for everyone to see. But ….. virginity is not a thing.

No matter what culture girls live in, virginity is a superficial value assigned to them based on what other people – namely men – do to their vaginas. That’s kind of creepy when you think about it….

Our society has so much invested in the concept of virginity that girls expect their first time to be a magical, earth shattering event, but it rarely is. The reality is that – when it is legal and fully consensual – it’s often with a boy the same age who is just as inexperienced. It’s a fumbling occasion, fuelled by overly exuberant hormones, and yet full of insecurities. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.  Sex is just something that takes practice, we have to learn to enjoy it. Without the concept of virginity it might be a lot easier!

In cultures where child marriage is the norm, virginity is paramount. Girls have been stoned to death, or set alight for unfounded accusations of premarital sex, as well as for their own rapes. Much older men like to take ownership of girls, and know that they are the only ones whose penis will ever go into her vagina, like her vagina must be ‘pure’ for HIS usage. Men in Western cultures often fantasise about having sex with virgins, because thinking that you were the first man who put your penis into a vagina is some kind of status thing.

It’s gross! It’s really seriously sick, and outdated.

What ever happened to THE WOMEN? Why is the woman’s experience of sex for the first time never included in any of these discussions? The only joy women get from their first sexual intercourse, is knowing that it was pure, or that they gave the experience away to a man. Why shouldn’t girls and women ENJOY sex, or at least have realistic expectations of it.

VIRGINITY IS NOT A THING!

Girls are granted a fantasy of romantic, loving, feel good moments, spent in the company of men who love them. This fantasy encourages girls and women to want to use their virginity up.  Men seek to take virginity as a badge of sexual achievement and status. “Losing your virginity” can be a disaster for a young girl, she may quickly find herself labelled a slut, easy, whore, slag, skank, tart, cum bucket, the list is endless. If losing virginity is a status thing for girls, it’s often short lived, or never lived at all. No matter how liberated we pretend to be after the sexual revolution, women are frequently controlled by unfair labels assigned to them based on their virginity.

No matter where you are when you first have sex, no matter who you first have sex with, or how you do it, your value as a human being does not change. This is because being a virgin is nothing more than a social construct designed to assign false value to girls and women, based on their value according to men, and penises. Whether your first sexual intercourse happens on your wedding night or in the back of a car, whether you said HELL YES, or whether you said nothing at all, and cried, your value is not changed. You are a human being and you deserve to be valued as such.

Post Script: Here at Whole Woman, we love comments! Please think twice before commenting about how this issue can impact on the lives of men and boys. No man has ever been stoned to death for not being a virgin upon marriage. No boy has ever taken his own life after being labelled a slut on social media. The concept of “virginity” is a concept that applies solely to girls and women. Thank you  for not wasting our time with distractions.  

FOR FURTHER READING

By All Means Love Yourself. It Won’t Fix Anything Though

Don’t Rape! A Message For Our Sons

Mothering Through Anorexia

Cinderella – My Son

NEWSFLASH! Men Aren’t Useless

Sex Positive Feminism Can BITE Me

Debunking The Myths Of Feminism

7 Responses to "Virginity – It’s Not Actually A Thing"

  1. Lincoln M. James  26 July, 2016 at 1:10 pm

    1. I agree with 99.999% of what you’ve written here. Thank you for writing this and bringing the concept to light. I am reminded of the scene in Chasing Amy where Amy points out that, as a lesbian, she’s still considered a “virgin” as she hasn’t had a penis in her… and she then advises her male friend that by that logic, he’s a virgin too as he’s never had a penis in him either.
    Definitely the idea of “virginity as inherently worthy” is… odd. Not to mention dangerous. Sex… is just another experience and we are no more no less people for having had it… or not. Any more than a person who has ten-pin bowled is more a Real Woman than a woman that hasn’t…

    2. The 00.001% I wouldn’t agree with is your assertion that “the concept of “virginity” is a concept that applies solely to girls and women” (though I recognize and respect that this is your view).
    Though of COURSE in a different way.
    I know of no cases where a boy has committed suicide from having sex, though there are multiple cases of boys committing suicide from being a virgin (http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/teenager-who-couldnt-lose-his-virginity-643954). I do not doubt that there are cases of girls also committing suicide for being virgins also.

    In short, girls are shamed for being virgins, AND shamed for being non-virgins, whilst boys are shamed for being virgins.
    Note the premise of American Pie and its ilk, etcetera…

    Nonetheless, for either sex, putting an arbitrary value on “virginity” really helps nobody at all.

    In fact… it kills people.

    Reply
  2. Ervin Malcuit  2 August, 2016 at 7:55 pm

    At the very least, when it comes to virginity and most anything that one or more people assign value for, will always be “a thing” to them and will carry the value they’ve assigned. One can never decide for all… and all cannot decide for one… how any thing in particular is to be defined or viewed. We must make up our own minds and be fully convinced

    Reply
    •  2 August, 2016 at 9:38 pm

      And therein lies the problem! MEN are deciding that women and girls have value because of virginity. So it’s all well and good to say that it’s an individual preference, but that preference is having dire consequences for many women and girls. So perhaps some education would be a good idea. Perhaps a shift in attitude. And one of those attitudes that needs shifting is that everything is fine for individuals.

      Reply
      • Ervin Malcuit  3 August, 2016 at 2:52 am

        Many, many women decide to assign value to many things including virginity and and without the manipulative teaching or demands of an over bearing hyper-sexualized man or an over bearing feminist elite. These truly sovereign women or “girls” as you say, assign value of their own choosing – who should deny them that choice? Would you?

        Should everyone decide to be a virgin?
        Should everyone decide not to be a virgin?
        It shouldn’t be anyone’s choice but the woman’s and it WILL have merit/value either way. I fear you would deny them the CHOICE. A polar opposite position is not and never will be an adequate default position if you are about to drive off of one side of the road because you will go off the other side. Likewise, just because there are many abusers in the world over this subject and have been for a long time, doesn’t mean the polar opposite is the right answer. Again, woman shouldn’t be dictated to by men OR women as to what they should choose. If a woman chooses virginity, celibacy, or milk with oranges in and of herself and finds value in it, far be it for ANYONE to deny her that choice or tell her that it has no value/merit -it is her body to do with as she pleases and no one should shame her for her choice. Likewise for a woman who decides the opposite: if she does not find value in virginity or celibacy, far be it for ANYONE to deny her that choice or tell her that it has no value/merit -it is her body to do with as she pleases and no one should shame her for her choice.

        This article is written by an extremely intelligent woman thinking from the perspective of pain, but that is only one vantage point. I agree that education with love will be the answer for many who have been in bondage over this topic. However, the right to choose and assign value to that choice remains the woman’s – whatever that choice may be…even IF it is opposite the author’s conclusion.

        Reply
        •  3 August, 2016 at 10:48 am

          No one is denying the CHOICE as you put it. Because virginity isn’t a thing, it’s a concept. Perhaps you should read some more about choice politics. Simply choosing something does NOT make it a feminist, or a non feminist thought. We do not make choices in some kind of vortex where there are no outside influences. If we went back in time to the beginning of our species and took a different path where virginity wasn’t a thing, where women were either people who had engaged in sex or hadn’t, do you think modern women would be clambering over one another to introduce the concept of virginity?

          And in answer to your question: “Should everyone decide to be a virgin?
          Should everyone decide not to be a virgin?”

          No!? That completely misses the point. Virginity doesn’t exist. You can be a woman who has had sex, or one who hasn’t, but you can’t be, or not be a virgin …… because virginity is a word to describe whether or not you’ve had sex, it’s nothing more. The word virginity assigns a value to the first experience of sex, and that value is the problem, not whether the woman has or hasn’t had sex.

          Reply
  3. em  3 August, 2016 at 12:12 pm

    Ok… so we’ve dealt with the choice-of-sex aspect. Moving on…

    Now I will continue to elaborate on the choice-of-value:
    It is right to question our culture/traditions/values, especially when they do us harm. However, you have decided for all women what is and what is not “a thing”. You move to strip those woman who have good intentions to assign value to a traditional definition of virginity simply because there are those who have had bad. I believe this is beyond laudable boldness and perhaps stepping into arrogance. You keep making the statement that it isn’t “a thing” as if you are the final authority – sorry… not buying it and many wont. To you, what you say is true and some will agree – fair enough. To other woman, what value they assign is the value that remains. Moreover, you attack not the action or inaction of sex, but the actual choice to value a woman may or may not place on it – which is none of your business. You’ve decided for all woman that they can’t have value for what they choose to have value for or vice versa by nonchalantly dismissing it as “not a thing”. If a woman chooses to have value for her sexual prowess or lack of, that value remains. You cannot strip one or the other of the value they choose to assign or how they choose to define it simply because your definition is different or you assign lesser value. Women shouldn’t be shamed by men or women for not being a virgin, nor should they be shamed for cleaving to a traditional definition of it.

    You arrogantly look at a flower in a vase which another woman has on display and say, “It’s just a weed! It has no value and value for it is a social construct.” This is only partially true.

    The flower is absolutely beautiful and smells lovely to the woman who puts in on display and she displays it with pride. – This is absolutely appropriate as long as she doesn’t shame others into choosing her path and definition. I submit that your attempt to redefine the value some have for virginity or usurp a woman’s choice to value it, is just as wrong as those who would shame a woman who is not a virgin. Certainly, it may be ‘just a weed’, but to some, in fact to many women, it is beautiful and they love it.

    Can anyone observe value in having sex? To some it is just an act and to others it is making love. Either way, there is value for it, though that value is not necessarily mutually observed. The opposite is also true: Some will and some will not observe value in virginity.

    A lot of things get better with time and their value is observed differently as a result:
    Wine, cheese, antiques, etc.

    Grape juice is fine and excellent to some woman and all should observe its value, but how dare you try to trample on my wine!

    Reply
    •  3 August, 2016 at 3:10 pm

      This lib fem argument you’re having is just getting weird …..

      For the last time …. IF A WOMAN VALUES WHETHER OR NOT SHE’S HAD SEX, THAT’S UP TO HER. In a culture that refers to her as a virgin or a whore, based on something she may or may not have any choice in, it’s time we disposed of the concept of virginity.

      Comparing the concept of virginity to flowers in a vase is seriously odd! But if we’re talking about wine, I’ll have some.

      Reply

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