Virginity: An intangible concept. Something we all supposedly possess at the time of our birth. Something which denotes value in certain circles, either by its presence, or the lack thereof.
For thousands of years women have been forced to zealously guard their virginity. Many of our lives have depended on it, and yet it isn’t an actual thing. It’s an idea, a social construct, nothing more. Surely in the year 2016 we are ready to leave behind this imaginary idea, and move into something more in tune with reality. Something that values women as human beings, not ones who either have or haven’t had sex with a man.
Realistically, and historically, there are so many problems with the notion of virginity that we need to acknowledge, it’s going to take us a long time to unpack them all. But we have to start somewhere right? Here’s a few fresh ideas about the theory of virginity
- You do not ‘owe’ your virginity to anyone.
- You do not ‘give’ your virginity away as a gift.
- You do not ‘lose’ your virginity.
- Your value is not determined by whether or not you are a virgin.
- You are not obliged to remain a virgin, unless you want to
- You may decide when and where to use your virginity for yourself. Yes, to use it for yourself, because if virginity exists, then it belongs solely to the woman in question.
- Virginity is not a thing. No matter whether you have sex or you don’t have sex, your value as a human is not altered in any way, shape, or form.
Virginity is such a curious social construct that it means different things in different cultures. In some communities virginity is to be zealously guarded, and without it a woman lacks honour and dignity and betrays her family name. In others, having virginity makes a girl feel infantile, because having sex is the ultimate act of rebellion, and pseudo maturity when you are a teenager. Alternatively it might be viewed as empowering to freely “give away” virginity. However, these apparently opposing ideas around virginity, often leave girls feeling guilty and shameful, because it has been built up to be something so deeply life altering, when all it really is, is a penis in a vagina.
So many girls and women have regrets about the way they first had sex, and it’s not because they did something wrong, it’s because the concept of virginity was instilled in them, like some sacred emblem. It was instilled in their families and in our whole society. It might look different in different cultures but the result is the same.
Girls may think that sex is a life altering activity. Like after their virginity is gone their lives will be changed forever, they will somehow be assigned an invisible value that will be written on them forever and ever for everyone to see. But ….. virginity is not a thing.
No matter what culture girls live in, virginity is a superficial value assigned to them based on what other people – namely men – do to their vaginas. That’s kind of creepy when you think about it….
Our society has so much invested in the concept of virginity that girls expect their first time to be a magical, earth shattering event, but it rarely is. The reality is that – when it is legal and fully consensual – it’s often with a boy the same age who is just as inexperienced. It’s a fumbling occasion, fuelled by overly exuberant hormones, and yet full of insecurities. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Sex is just something that takes practice, we have to learn to enjoy it. Without the concept of virginity it might be a lot easier!
In cultures where child marriage is the norm, virginity is paramount. Girls have been stoned to death, or set alight for unfounded accusations of premarital sex, as well as for their own rapes. Much older men like to take ownership of girls, and know that they are the only ones whose penis will ever go into her vagina, like her vagina must be ‘pure’ for HIS usage. Men in Western cultures often fantasise about having sex with virgins, because thinking that you were the first man who put your penis into a vagina is some kind of status thing.
It’s gross! It’s really seriously sick, and outdated.
What ever happened to THE WOMEN? Why is the woman’s experience of sex for the first time never included in any of these discussions? The only joy women get from their first sexual intercourse, is knowing that it was pure, or that they gave the experience away to a man. Why shouldn’t girls and women ENJOY sex, or at least have realistic expectations of it.
VIRGINITY IS NOT A THING!
Girls are granted a fantasy of romantic, loving, feel good moments, spent in the company of men who love them. This fantasy encourages girls and women to want to use their virginity up. Men seek to take virginity as a badge of sexual achievement and status. “Losing your virginity” can be a disaster for a young girl, she may quickly find herself labelled a slut, easy, whore, slag, skank, tart, cum bucket, the list is endless. If losing virginity is a status thing for girls, it’s often short lived, or never lived at all. No matter how liberated we pretend to be after the sexual revolution, women are frequently controlled by unfair labels assigned to them based on their virginity.
No matter where you are when you first have sex, no matter who you first have sex with, or how you do it, your value as a human being does not change. This is because being a virgin is nothing more than a social construct designed to assign false value to girls and women, based on their value according to men, and penises. Whether your first sexual intercourse happens on your wedding night or in the back of a car, whether you said HELL YES, or whether you said nothing at all, and cried, your value is not changed. You are a human being and you deserve to be valued as such.
Post Script: Here at Whole Woman, we love comments! Please think twice before commenting about how this issue can impact on the lives of men and boys. No man has ever been stoned to death for not being a virgin upon marriage. No boy has ever taken his own life after being labelled a slut on social media. The concept of “virginity” is a concept that applies solely to girls and women. Thank you for not wasting our time with distractions.
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